I've Managed to Live This Long
by shuxyuki
Summary: Yuki’s remembering his past with Shuichi. Its one of those regretting what you didn’t do fics. In a way, its kind of a dark fic. ish ooc
1. I can still remember

**Title: **I've Managed to Live This Long  
**Author: **Shuxyuki  
**Summary:** Yuki's remembering his past with Shuichi. Its one of those -regretting what you didn't do- fics. In a way, its kind of a dark fic.  
**Notes/Comments: **This is written in a Yuki POV. This chapter has a long title… Yuki's a little OOC-ish; I made him too nice.

**Chapter One - I Can Still Remember, Even When It's Been So Long **

Its been three years. Three years since I had first laid my eyes on him. We were right here; on this very street. I can still slightly remember what it looked like. Even now, I wish time would stop at that moment, but we both know that'll never happen. I wish I knew then what I knew now, if I did, then maybe you would still be here to celebrate the upcoming holidays with me. You always said you wanted to spend Christmas alone with me, and the past few years my family has tagged along with us. This year would have been your year.

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The street lights had just been shut off and I was nearing the end of my late-night stroll. I had a deadline coming up and I wasn't even close to being ready. The stress of it all was starting to get to me, so I took a walk to get away from it. But there you were; you had a somber expression on your face. The light of the moon made it seem as if you were glowing. And I could tell that it was fare that let us meet. It was almost magical.

You were sitting alone on a wooden park bench. It looked like you wanted someone to talk to, so I sat down next to you. When I sat down, you looked at me with your big, teary, purple eyes. I sighed and blew the smoke from my cigarette out of my mouth, then extinguished it. The next thing I knew, you had your face buried in my chest and you were crying. Even though I didn't know you or the reason you were crying, I felt as if it was my job to rid you of your sadness and make you smile. I wrapped my arms around you and your crying started to stop.

"What's wrong, why are you crying?" I said. As soon as I spoke my first word, you looked up at me and sniffled.

"I-I just don't know what to do anymore… I can't take it…" When you spoke, you're voice sounded so sweet. Even though it was chilly outside on the park bench, just hearing your voice made me feel warm inside. "I-I-I was going to… To… Kill myself." I was surprised to hear that. You didn't look like the type who wanted to die. Then you raised your sleeve and revealed to me the scars that you had inflicted on yourself. All I could do was look at your arm in bewilderment. (A/N: Whoot! I used a big word! Thank you, thesaurus!)

You embraced me gently. "Thank you… Thank you for caring about me." You smiled slightly.

"You're welcome." I smiled back at the boy in my arms. "By the way, what is your name?" I asked.

"Shuichi. Shuichi Shindou. Who are you? You look like someone I've seen before." I could tell by his name and his pink hair that he was the lead singer in the band, Bad Luck. I had heard them a few times, my brother-in-law made me listen to their CD. They were pretty good.

"Eiri Yuki." I said somewhat coldly.

**End of Chapter One.**

So, what'd ya think? Sorry it was short. (My parents made me get off the computer…) The next chapter will be longer… I hope.

Please review! (And feel free to e-mail me at **KellyN133 at msn dot com**.

-shuxyuki


	2. Reasons

Yay! This chapter only took one day to write! And... Its my longest chapter yet! 959 words!

**Chapter Two – Reasons**

He looked up at me, yet again, with those big, purple eyes. "Eiri Yuki… You're that famous author, aren't you? My little sister loves your books." Shuichi smiled at me, and I could do nothing except smile back at him.

For about the next half hour, we sat on that old park bench in silence. He occasionally yawned and snuggled up against me. Eventually, he fell sound asleep.

I couldn't just leave him there, it was getting late and he would have frozen to death if I left him. So I carried him home to my apartment. I placed Shuichi on the couch and covered him with a blanket. Once I made sure he was warm enough, I sat on the floor next to him and watched him sleep. He looked so beautiful when he slept. A little while later, I got up and went to bed myself.

The next morning, I awoke before he did and started making waffles. The smell of the food must have woke him up. He walked into the kitchen with a confused look on his face. "Where am I? Is this your house?" He said.

"You fell asleep on the park bench. And I didn't want you to freeze to death, so I brought you here." I replied as I took a waffle out of the waffle maker.

"Oh. I'm sorry for putting you through all that trouble. I'll leave now." Shuichi turned and headed toward the front door. I didn't want him to go, do I grabbed his arm. "Oww…" Shuichi moaned, "You're squeezing my cuts… It hurts…"

I loosened my grip on his wrist. "You don't have to go. You can stay here, with me." I looked him in the eye.

"I don't want to bother you. I'd be too much trouble." He said. "You don't want me here."

"If I didn't want you here, I wouldn't have asked you to stay." I let go of his arm and he rubbed it gently.

"Alright. I'll stay." He sat back down on the couch and wrapped himself in a blanket. "Thank you for letting me stay here."

"Don't worry about it. Breakfast will be ready in a few minutes; I made waffles." I went back to the kitchen and finished making breakfast. When the waffles were done, I set them on the table and called him in. Shuichi walked in and sat in the seat farthest from me. I noticed that his arm had a few more cuts in it when he reached for a waffle. He must have cut it while I was cooking. There was an awkward silence between us as we ate.

"Umm… Last night," he broke the silence, "why did you come over to me?" I noticed that he always kept his head down. I guess he was ashamed of himself.

"You looked like you needed someone to talk to." I took another bite of my waffle and looked at him. "Why were you out there? Did you run away from home?" I think that was it. As soon as I said it, his eyes shot up at me.

"…My parents and I were arguing over something. Then they kicked me out. So I went to the park bench because I had no where else to stay." From where I was sitting, I could see a few tears forming in his eyes.

I went over to him and wiped the tears from his face. "Don't cry, you're much cuter when you're smiling." The next thing I remember doing was leaning down to kiss him. I don't know why I tried to kiss him.

"Hey!" He jerked away from me. "What are you doing? …Yeah, I like you in that way, but I don't know if I'm ready for that." The tears were wiped from Shuichi's eyes and he smiled at me.

Instead of kissing him, I gave him a small hug. Then I cleaned up my plate and took a shower. After my shower I asked Shuichi if he wanted one. He said he didn't have any clean clothes to change into, so he didn't need one. I offered him my clothes and he finally accepted.

That evening, after we ate dinner, we sat on the couch and watched T.V. together. When the show on T.V. was over and we were getting ready for bed, he broke out into tears on the floor. I embraced him and let him cry on my shoulder. "What's wrong, Shuichi?" I said, trying to calm him.

"I-I-I just can't take it all of your kindness. You barely even know me, yet you're letting me live with you. And you're not even expecting anything in return." To me, it seemed like he was crying because he was happy. (A/N- sorry, mega cheesy/OOC T.T) I actually felt kind of relieved knowing that he was crying because he was happy and not sad. When Shuichi was sad, it somehow made me feel sad, too.

Earlier that day, he told me that he was afraid of the dark and being alone. I didn't know if he was serious, or just wanted an excuse to sleep with me. Either way, truth or lie, I kind of wanted to spend the night with him, so I let him sleep with me.

We climbed into bed and he cuddled up close to me. "So, I guess you really do like me?" I smirked.

"Umm… Well… Yeah, I guess so." He replied in a shy voice. I smiled and looked into his eyes; Shuichi smiled back at me and leaned in to kiss me.

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That was our first kiss. If I could, I would go back to that moment and re-live it one million times over.

**End of Chapter Two**

Please review! I'll give you plushies if you do...

-shuxyuki


	3. I still feel you there

A/N1- I wrote the song that Shuichi sings.

Note- Sorry this chapter is so short.

**Chapter Three – I Still Feel You There**

Even now, as I walk along this lonely street, I can feel the presence of you lingering here. It's still hard for me to accept that you're not here anymore. But no matter how much I want you to be here, you'll never come back to me. Not that far up ahead, I can see that old, wooden, park bench where we first met. So many memories linger there.

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The next morning, when I woke up, Shuichi's arm was resting on top of me. It was the arm that he had cut, and I could see the cuts clearly. I stared at it and wondered to myself why he had cut himself. He woke a little after I did. "Hey, Shuichi?" I asked.

"Yeah, what is it Yuki-san?" He stretched and yawned.

"Why do you cut yourself?" I asked him hesitantly; I was nervous about hearing the answer.

He sighed. "…When I was a first year in high school, my best friend commit suicide… And I had known about it. I could have saved him… But I didn't. It was my fault he died." I could sadness returning in his expression, so I held him once again.

By his actions, I could tell that he wanted to be left alone. He went out to the T.V. room and was silent for a while. I didn't want to disturb him, so I stayed in the bedroom. I heard singing breaking the silence. It was Shuichi; he was softly singing to himself, but it was still loud enough for me to hear it.

_Your kindness melts my icy heart.  
__When I'm with you, my emotions are set free.  
__Is it really love?  
__-Hold me tight,  
__-Never letting go,  
__-And tell me,  
__-'I love you'.  
__When you whisper things to me,  
__Are they just meaningless sweet nothings?  
__Do you really care for me?  
__Or do you just feel bad?  
__Is it really love?  
__-Hold me tight,  
__-Never letting go,  
__-And tell me,  
__-'I love you'.  
__Don't ever leave me,  
_'_Cause if you do,  
__I'll die.  
__I live my life only to be with you.  
__That's how much I love you.  
__Now tell me,  
__Do you love me, too?_

His song was beautiful. How could someone who held so much pain write lyrics like those?

**End of Chapter Three**

I hope you liked this chapter! I'm sorry it was so short… Chapter four will be longer. (I hope.)

-shuxyuki


	4. Kuchizukete

**Note:** "Kuchizukete" means "singing to myself" in Japanese.

**Chapter Four – Kuchizukete**

I got out of bed and went into the T.V. room. He was still singing his song. When he was finished, I clapped for him; I scared him a little because he didn't know I was there.

"Yuki, you were watching me?" I could see him blushing slightly.

"You sound much better in person than on CD." I'm not sure why I was always so nice to him. No one had ever described me as 'nice' or 'kind', it just wasn't in my nature.

He looked surprised. "You've listened to my CD?"

"Yeah, my brother-in-law, Tohma Seguchi, wanted me to listen to it." I smirked. "Don't you have to work today?"

That sad look returned to his face. He told me that he had quit the band because he had planned on killing himself that night in the park.

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Now that I think about it, I acted like a completely different person when I was around him. …Even now, whenever I sit on this park bench, I can hear his songs in the back of my mind. And sometimes I even find myself humming them.

After a few weeks, I finally convinced him to go back to work at N-G. He seemed kind of happy to be back at work; there was a concert scheduled shortly after.

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One day, Shuichi came home from work and told me that he had great news. "Hey, Yuki! We're having a concert this Friday! Do you wanna come? It'll be really cool!" I think he really wanted me to come, so I told him I would; I didn't want to make him sad. He looked happy when I said that I would go. "Oh, and by the way, Yuki… Do you mind if we have the after party here?"

I smiled. "Sure."

The night of the concert was a little hectic for Shuichi. He was so busy getting ready. When we finally got there, Shuichi went backstage and I found my seat in the audience. Bad Luck appeared on stage, the lights were flashing wildly, and there was colored smoke everywhere. It looked really awesome.

About two hours later, Bad Luck, Nittle Grasper, Tatsuha, and K arrived at my house. Luckily Tohma couldn't come because we were serving alcoholic drinks to minors. Shuichi was the first one to get wasted; I guess he didn't have a high tolerance for alcohol. Tatsuha was done over a little after Shuichi. I've never seen my brother like that; he was all over Ryuichi. They even had sex in my office. Towards the end of the night, everyone was too drunk to drive home, so I allowed them to sleep in my living room.

As soon as they were all asleep, I headed to bed. Shuichi, still gone, followed me. We went to bed like we usually did; I changed in the bathroom first, then he went after me. But tonight was different; I was a little drunk and Shuichi was way over the edge. He was cuddling up with me and kissing me all over.

So, half-drunk, I finally said it. "Let's do it." Shuichi looked up at me, smiled, and nodded.

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That was an awesome night. It was the first of many times Shu and I had sex.

**End of Chapter Four**


	5. How Could Things Get This Bad?

Ok, first of all, I'm SOOO sorry I haven't updated in, like… 6 months… (Don't yell at me! I said I was sorry!) Well… I've been grounded for quite a long time. (Actually, I'm really grounded until September… Heh. Please don't ask what I did.) Anyway… On with the story!

AN1 – I have no idea if that's a real flight number… I just needed a number, and since it was 8:45pm when I was writing it, I figured that that was a good enough number.

AN2 – Same as AN1, but a different time.

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**Chapter Five – How Could Things Get This Bad?**

A few weeks later, Shu came home from work and informed me that N-G had planned a month-long tour in America for Bad Luck. I was somewhat sad that I wouldn't get to see him for a whole month, but I could tell that he was excited about it. So I was happy for him.

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"Yuuuuki! I'm home! …And I have GREAT news!" He burst through the front door; straight into my arms. Shuichi was so adorable. He was a cute ball of pink fuzz that kept buzzing around me. How could I not love him? "Bad Luck's scheduled for a month-long tour in America! Isn't that totally cool?" He looked so joyful. And seeing him smile made me glad. I couldn't help but smile back at him.

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…And a few days later, he set out for America on flight #845 (AN1).

As the weeks went by, I heard no word from Shuichi. He must have been having such a good time that he forgot to call. I didn't think much of it at first, but then it began to worry me a little. And when he didn't come home on the scheduled day, I could tell something wasn't right.

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I waited at the airport for a few hours, but Shuichi's return flight, flight #942 (AN2), never came. Then I left the airport and went home.

When I walked through my front door, I noticed that the red light was flashing on my phone, which indicated that I had a new message. I was hoping that it was from Shuichi telling me that the flight was late, or something. The message wasn't from Shuichi, it was from Tohma.

_Eiri, its me, Tohma. I need you to come down and see me at the studio as soon as you can. I have very important news for you._

I grabbed my jacket and rushed down to the studio as fast as I could. I didn't know what the news that he had to tell me was, but I had an unbearable feeling in the pit of my stomach that told me it wasn't good.

I entered Tohma's office and he was sitting behind his desk with his hands laced and a painful expression on his face. I could tell that this was going to be bad. "Eiri… This is going to be difficult to take in, but I have some bad news…" Tohma stood up and looked out the window behind him at the sky, trying to make this less painful for me. A few drops of sweat and tears ran down my face; I was starting to cry. Subconsciously, I had known what he was going to say, and I didn't want to hear it. "…Shuichi's return flight… Never made it back. They crashed in the middle of the ocean… And there were no survivors." Tohma walked over to me and embraced my traumatized body. "I'm so sorry I had to tell you this, Eiri." I just couldn't believe the words I was hearing. My body felt lifeless, just like a doll without a soul. I was just there, existing, with no meaning to my life at all.

Desperately, I had wished someone would shout out the words "April Fools". I just wanted my Shuichi back.

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Heh, its kind of a cliffhanger. smiles HA! Now you'll have to WAIT! MUAHAHA!

Please review! begs

-shuxyuki


	6. Why Did You Have To Go?

Hi hi! I'm back! It's been over 2 years I know I know… I'm sorry. I've been… Not writing. I've recently gotten into gaming and I've been addicted to Guild Wars. – Apparently I've had chapter 6 written for quite some time.. about 2 years. So I'm going to post it righttt.. now!

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**Chapter 6 - Why Did You Have To Go?**

I went home that night, with my mind still in shock, laid down on my bed, and cried.

--

Even now, I still regret letting you go to America. I should have found something to convince you otherwise. Then you'd still be here with me.

--

When Shuichi's body was found, I had my brother, Tatsuha, hold a funeral for him. I couldn't help but bawl my eyes out for the duration of it. I had really, truly loved the boy. With all of my heart, and it crushed me to see him go. Before they buried his body, I had asked to say a few words to Shu-chan in private, if I was never going to see the love of my life again, he should at least know my true feelings for him.

I knelt down next to his coffin and cried for a moment. "Shuichi, since this is the last time I'll be seeing you, I think you should know that I love you. Being with you all of this time has changed me. You shaped me into the person I am now. Every time I kissed you, held you, or made sweet love to you. Little by little, you melted my cold, icy heart. When I was with you, nothing seemed impossible and everything just made a little more sense. Thank you, Shuichi, for all that you've done. I really owe ya one." I looked down at his emotionless face and smirked with a tear in my eye, then turned away and walked out of the room.

After the ceremony, I went back to my lifeless apartment and let all of my emotions out. It was a jumble of crying, screaming, laughing, gasping for air, and horror. The pain of my loss overwhelmed me. It was too much to bear.

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Woooohoooo.. that was enough work for another few years.. Chapter 7 will be on its way soon! (Hopefully!) Sorry it was so short peoples. The games are calling!

I don't know why I make these so damn short! Next one will be long! I promise! (Maybe!)

Ehh… I'll think about it.

Well.. until next time… This is shuxyuki, signing out!


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